Diana came home from work on Friday and started to tell me about her day:
“I was reviewing video footage of this suspicious customer, so I would recognize her later if I needed to, when I saw myself with my back to the camera and said, ‘Oh my GOD, when did my butt get so big?'”
Then she turned and looked at me.
Now, there are three things you all should understand:
1. I think Diana is perfect.
2. This is exactly the sort of dangerous situation I regularly practice for throughout the year – like a doomsday prepper running bug-out drills for the apocalypse. I stand in front of a mirror making sure my facial expression, vocal inflection, and carefully-chosen words are exactly correct for any verbal trap in which Diana might try to ensnare me:
“You’re beautiful, Darling.”
“I don’t think I could love you any more than I do right now.”
“You could probably stand to gain a few pounds.”
“That’s a nice purse, and you really got a good deal on it.”
“No, I love your toes.”
“Of course I don’t mind if you change channels to the Hallmark Channel. I wasn’t really watching this very interesting documentary on the Pharaoh Akhenaten anyway.”
3. When you suffer from Chronic Wise-Ass Syndrome (CWAS – it’s in my medical records), you have absolutely no control over the smart-mouthed responses that initially pop into your head that you find completely hilarious.
So, when I heard, “When did my butt get so big?” I opened my mouth to give a loving, comforting response. However, what popped, unbidden, into my brain was, “When Nabisco started putting double stuff in their Oreos.”
At that point my mouth was open, but the only sound coming out was a kind of choking, gurgling noise. I could feel my face going red, the veins in my forehead starting to throb, and internal organs beginning to rupture as I tried to keep a straight face. Diana’s brow started to crease, and I could tell she knew I was about to self-destruct, so I jumped up and ran to the bathroom and closed the door.
After a couple of minutes there was a knock at the door.
“Honey, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I had to poop.”
“Mmm Hmm. What were going to say?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Darling, I know you. Just tell me what you were going to say.”
“I was going to say, ‘When Nabisco started putting double stuff in their Oreos,’ but I wasn’t actually going to say it. I think you’re butt is just right.”
“Yeah… too late. But you can come out. You’re not in trouble.”
Once we were back on the couch, Diana grabbed the remote.
“That wasn’t funny.”
“Do you mind if I change the channel to Judge Judy?”
With great relief (and a straight face), I said, “Of course I don’t mind if you change the channel to Judge Judy. I wasn’t really watching this very interesting documentary on the Battle of Gettysburg anyway.”