Trust Issues

I was minding my own business, catching up on some DVRed (yes, it’s a verb) episodes of Tosh.0, when Diana came downstairs and instituted her usual hostile takeover of the evening’s viewing:

“Are you watching this?”

I don’t know if it’s standard for all passive-agressives to couch their demands in the form of a question, but it’s Diana’s modus operandi:

“Are you watching this?” = “This sucks; I’m turning the channel.”
“Did you check the mail? = “Go get the mail; I’m expecting a bill.”
“Are you going upstairs?” = “I’m thirsty; bring me a Coke.”
“Are there any Reeses left? = “Bring me candy, and live another day.”
“Are you going to turn left on Corn Husker?” = “You’re in the wrong lane. You don’t know how to drive.”
“Are those the pants you’re wearing?” = “You dress yourself like a color-blind chimpanzee who only vaguely understands the concept of clothing by trying to imitate humans. We’re not leaving the house until you change.”
“Do you have plans for Sunday?” = “I need someone to make awkward and ultimately disappointing love to me. Bring your A-game.”

Of course I was watching the show.

“Objection. Your Honor, my client’s face was clearly turned toward the television screen at the time. He was engaged in no other activity. Additionally, he had to actively push several buttons on the DVR remote to get the recorded show to play. That goes to intent and premeditation.”
“Overruled. The jury will disregard the defendant’s entire testimony as he is dressed like a color-blind chimpanzee.”

But, as Diana’s happiness is my happiness, I acquiesced using my own standard code:

“No, it was just on when I turned the TV on. You can watch whatever you want.”

Diana looked at the television.

“What’s that guy doing?”
“Random trust falls with strangers.”
“That’s stupid.”
“Well, yeah, with strangers. But you’d do a trust fall with me, right?”
“Are you kidding?”
“Why not?”

Now, I have a pretty phenomenal memory. I can still remember my third birthday in Libya. I know the words to every 1960s and 1970s cartoon theme song. I can spout useless trivia all day long on a variety of topics. But Diana’s memory is positively photographic when it comes to the times I have screwed up.

“Remember? You came home from work, the kids were playing quietly in their room, I had made a nice supper, and the minute you walked in the door I came running down the hall to jump into your arms.”
“Oh crap.”
“I was so happy and so in love with you. It had been one of those wonderful days, and I was just waiting for you to get home. I had visions of jumping into your arms and you catching me, and holding me, and kissing me.”
“Uhhh…. yeah.”
“And what did you do?”
“I…. ummm… I jumped out of the way.”
“You jumped out of the way… and I landed right on my tail bone and probably broke it.”
“Yeah, I remember the neighbors downstairs asking the next day if we had been moving furniture around.”
“You were supposed to catch me.”
“I thought you were attacking me.”
“I was SMILING!”
“So do chimps right before they tear your arms off and beat you to death with them.”
“David, I trust you to take care of me. I trust you to run into a burning building or throw yourself in front of a grizzly bear to save me. But I do not trust you to catch me if I fall on you.”
“Don’t be too sure about that grizzly thing either.”
“You’d save me.”
“At least I wouldn’t hear about it for the next 30 years if I didn’t.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said, ‘I think Judge Judy has finally started running new episodes and that we should watch one.'”
“That’s a great idea… were you going upstairs before we start it?”
“Yes… yes, I was.”

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