Very Calm

Diana had a dental procedure yesterday; nothing major, but, due to the anesthesia involved, I had to be on hand to drive her to and from the dentist office. She had been given a prescription to take an hour before the procedure to “help with anxiety.” When we arrived at the dentist’s, I asked her how she was doing.

“I’m….. calm….. verrrrrrrrrrry calm.”

I helped her out of the car and pointed her toward the reception desk.

“Mr. Porter, we’ll need you to pay instead of Diana because we aren’t allowed to take payment from our patients after they’ve been anesthetized.”
“Is she really going to be that loopy?”
“She probably won’t remember anything until tomorrow morning.”
“Sweet. I think we’ll swing by Lowes on the way home.”

Diana giggled a little, but remained verrrry calm. They took her back and about an hour later took me back to fetch her. She looked up at me and smiled.

“Hi, Pretty. How are you feeling?”
“I’m… calm. Verrrrrry calm.”
“Well you’re all done, so I’m going to take you home.”
“Okay, I love you.”
“I love you too. Can we stop by Lowes on the way home? I need a new air compressor.”
“Suuuuuuure. You need a new…. hair depressor.”
“Yes, I really do need a hair depressor.”

The technician gave me a bunch of verbal and written after-care instructions.

“We’ll need to see her again in about three months.”
Diana nodded sagely: “Threeeeeeeee months.”

I helped Diana into the car. I chickened out of getting a new hair depressor because I didn’t fancy having to steer her all over the Lowes with her legs hanging out either side of the race-car-shaped shopping cart. Nope, best to get her on the couch as soon as possible.

“How you doing, Honey?”
“I’m calm. Verrrrry calm. When do I have to come back?”
“Three months.”
“Three months?”
“Three months.”
“Three months.”
“Yes, three months.”

Once we got home. I settled Diana on the couch in front of the T.V. The HGTV channel was on and they were advertising their Dream Home Sweepstakes.

“Oh, I want to win a dream home. Give me the laptop so I can enter.”
“I think you should just rest. If you’re too stoned to pay a bill, you’re probably too stoned to be internetting.”
Diana opened the laptop and spent the next 20 minutes trying to log in.
“This isn’t working. Did you change the password?”
“Nope. But it’s kind of like those breathalyzers that won’t let you start your car if you’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk… I’m calm.”
“Verrrrry calm, huh?”
“Yes… I really am. When do I have to go back to the dentist?”
“Three months.”
“Three months.”

Diana finally managed to log in, and then entered us into the HGTV Dream Home Sweepstakes… twice. Then she decided she wanted to get tickets to Antiques Roadshow.

“I want to bring those glasses.”

She got up and started opening and closing kitchen cabinets, knocking things over.

“What are you doing, Honey?”
“I’m trying to find those glasses. I want to take them to the Road Show.”
“Which ones?”
“The old ones… with the little… uhhh…. round thingies on the bottom. They’re reeeeeeeeaaally old.”

I knew exactly which ones she was talking about. I walked over and opened one of the cabinets.

“These glasses?”
“Are you sure? They have the little round thingies.”
“No, that’s not them.”
“Well, let’s just wait until this weekend. I’ll help you look then.”
“Okay. They’re old. I bet they’re worth a lot of money.”

I helped Diana back to the couch where she promptly picked up the laptop and tried to enter us into the Dream Home Sweepstakes again. At about 6:30, she sighed:

“It feels late. What time is it?”
“It’s late o’clock. You should go to bed.”
“Does your mouth hurt?”
“No, it’s just calm.”

I got her to the stairs, which she proceeded to climb walking on both her hands and feet like a sloth. Then I tucked her in bed, kissed her on the forehead, closed the door, and went through the search history on my laptop to make sure she hadn’t been on any retail sites while trying to win her Dream Home. I got up the next morning and went on to work after listening at the bedroom door to make sure Diana was still breathing. When she got home from work tonight, she seemed happy, if somewhat confused.

“Wow, I don’t remember anything after walking into the dentist office yesterday.”
“Yeah, you were a little loopy.”
“Last night I dreamed we won a new house.”
“Well, since you entered us in the Dream Home Sweepstakes, we just might.”
“I did?”
“Twice. Then you stumbled around looking for something to take to the Antiques Road Show.”
“Oh, I want to take those old glasses.”

Diana walked over to the cabinet and pulled out one of the glasses I was showing her the night before.

“Aren’t they pretty? They’re really old.”
“They’re beautiful.”
“Did they say when they wanted me to come back?”
“Three months. I have the appointment slip somewhere.”
“Okay. So what time did I go to bed last night? I slept so good.”
“Six thirty.”
“Wow, I must have been tired.”
“You were… calm…. Veeeeerrrrry calm.”

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