Gadgetry

Diana and I don’t exactly ride the wave of cutting-edge technology. I kept my 8-track collection so long that I completely missed the era of cassette tapes, and I finally sold off all my vinyl at a garage sale to a little old lady in England well after CDs had peaked in popularity. She said her 18-year-old grandson would love them, though I was curious if he had actually ever heard of Deep Purple, Pat Travers, or Con Funk Shun, much less had the equipment to play the albums. Still, I took her pounds sterling with a smile and the assurance that little Nigel would be very surprised with her loving gift of timeless music.

It’s not that we fear change… okay, we fear change, but it’s not that we only fear change. We are also extremely lazy. Whenever we do buy something new (which is rare) we only bother to learn its most basic functions. I can put a Blu-Ray disk into the player and watch the movie, but that’s about it. I’m not interested in the extended bonus features. That’s just extra button-pushing and stress I don’t need in my life.

But now that I have this new car, I swore a solemn oath – calling down the everlasting darkness on me if I failed to learn how to use all the crap that came with it. I began with the “hands-free” calling system. I slapped the DVD owner’s manual (yes, the car has a freakin’ DVD player and view screen in the dash!) into the slot and skipped around until I found the part about syncing a cell phone. It turned out to be surprisingly straight-forward, and in no time I was calling our house phone. I believe we are one of seven families in Nebraska who still have a land line. Cox Communications is frustrated with us because we refuse to give it up, and they can’t end the program until we do. The phone rang and rang, but eventually kicked to voice mail, so I hung up and called again. This time Diana picked up:

“Hello?”
“What are you wearing? Are you naked?”
“You dork! What do you want?”
“Why didn’t you answer when I called a minute ago?”
“I didn’t recognize the number. You never call from your cell phone.”
“Guess where I am?”
“I don’t know.”
“Guess where I am!!!”
“I don’t care.”
“I’M IN MY CAR! I’M CALLING YOU FROM MY CAR! I SYNCED MY PHONE TO MY CAR!!!”

What I was actually doing was leaning forward and yelling into the steering wheel because I wasn’t quite sure where the microphone was.

“That’s nice, honey. I’m glad you got it to work.”
“BRING ME YOUR PHONE AND I’LL PROGRAM IT TOO!”
“No.”
“COME. OUT. HERE!”
“Hhhhh…. Fine. I’ll bring it out during the next commercial.”
“NO! I CAN”T WAIT THAT LO….”

//CLICK//

Eventually Diana came out to the garage with her phone. We synced it up with my car, and she was mildly impressed with my technological skills. Then she grew bored and went back inside. As I sat there, I suddenly remembered Diana’s car had little phone buttons on her steering wheel. Could she possibly have the same untapped communications feature in her car? It’s a 2007, so the chances were good. I hopped out of my car and into hers with her phone. In no time I had fumbled through the Bluetooth feature, dialed the house phone again, leaned forward, and prepared to yell into the steering wheel.

“Hello?”
“What are you wearing? Are you naked?”
“Dammit, Honey, I’m trying to watch TV.”
“Guess where I am?”
“Your car.”
“NO! I’M IN YOUR CAR!!!! I FIGURED OUT HOW TO HOOK UP YOUR PHONE IN YOUR CAR SO YOU CAN CALL HANDS-FREE JUST LIKE ME! COME OUT HERE!”
“No.”
“COME. OUT. HERE!”
“Dang it, Hon. Okay, hang on.”

Diana came back out to the garage. I had her sit in her car, showed her what to push, and got back into my car. Then I called her cell phone.

“Hello?”
“What are you wearing?”
“Okay, this is pretty cool.”
“I know, now hang up and call me. I’m the first preset.”

So, there we were: two old people sitting side-by-side, each in our own car in the garage, leaning forward and yelling at our steering wheels. Diana again grew bored after a few minutes and went back in the house. I stayed out there awhile playing around with the satellite features and checking the current gas prices at the nearby stations. Suddenly, my dashboard started to ring.

“Hello?”
“What are you wearing? Are you nake…”
“I’ll be right in.”
“No, wait. I was just kid….”

// CLICK //

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s