Buuuuddy

Diana came home from work bearing a bounty of pressure-cooked goodness from KFC:

“Thanks for picking up supper.”
“You’re welcome, Darling. How was your day?”

Diana started digging through the boxes of chicken and setting out plates while I updated her on my accomplishments since getting home that day:

“Well, I purged the sprinkler system. I got the air compressor and everything out, but couldn’t find the male coupler fitting to hook up the compressor hose to the pressure vacuum on the sprinkler. I finally had to dig through all my air tools to find it. It was still on the end of my impact wrench. Anyway, the water line is shut off and the sprinkler system is purged and should be good to go for the winter. Also, I wiped the couches down with that Meguiar’s leather treatment. That stuff works great. The mail’s on the kitchen table. It’s mostly junk but…”
“Ooooh, they gave us an extra piece of chicken!”
“Holy crap, I’m married to a man.”
“Do what?”
“You didn’t listen to a word I said.”
“Well, buuuuddy, I sure heard that last part.”

On a linguistic note, “buddy” is a genteel western Kentucky euphemism for “asshole.” It’s normally placed at the beginning of the sentence and used as an interjection indicating a warning of some kind – like a cobra spreading its hood, a cat bowing up, or a dog raising its hackles. If a Kentucky woman calls you “buddy,” it’s usually not a good thing; if she draws draw out the first syllable, you should probably apologize and start moving out of the range of her throwing arm:

“Buuuuddy, you better wipe that stupid grin off your face or I will slap it into next week.”

(I have no idea where “do what?” comes from, only that most southern women say it instead of “I beg your pardon?”)

“Okay, you’re not a man, but you sure ignored me like one.”
“Honey, you do the same thing to me all the time whenever I’m trying to talk to you about our finances.”
“That’s different: a) I am a man, and b) I don’t care about our finances.”
“Well I don’t care about your male coupler thingy.”
“I know. Sometimes you ignore it for days.”
“Buuuuddy…”
“Sorry. Maybe you can have a look at it this weekend.”
“If you behave, maybe I wi… oooooohhh, they gave us extra biscuits, too!”

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